It seems that every summer I experience is haunted by something.  I guess I'm cursed, but I really don't know.  It can happen at any time, but it's the same thing that happens.  If you read this at all last year around June/July, you'll know what I'm talking about.  And it never just concerned me and one other person.  It seems that the curse consumes groups of people over one disagreement.
    That being said, I want to apologize to everyone involved.  By no means am I a hateful person, nor do I mean to drag things out over an extended period of time; I'd much rather get it all out at once and have things the way they used to be...in blissful ignorance.
    I've said it before and I'll say it again; I think it happens because I care too much.  I put myself out there in a way that I can never hide again to anyone, anywhere.  I don't consider it a fault, but it has it's consequences.  I love and I care, always looked after them.  And I rarely ask for anything return.  "Love me as I love you."  Oddly, it always leads to the same thing, which is never good.
    At this age (and it may hold true at anytime in life), it seems that which powers love is not love, but apathy.  In my experience (which I realize is little) true caring springs from absolutely nothing.  The best relationships I've ever had with people started on grounds with a mutual, unspoken, understanding of no emotional attachment (a lot of people I'm friends with now started on almost dickish terms).  Take it slow, work your way with trust, then maybe...just maybe it pays off with something that is true and real.
    And if you've ever wondered why I stopped caring, it's because you ignored the advice, feigned returned love.  It took some time for me to realize it.  I was stuck in that ignorant happiness, like pigs wallowing in their own filth, content as can be.  I defended you, was shit on for you, contemplated committing felonies for you, almost ended some of the closest friendships of my entire life for you.  For what? 



Regardless...I'll probably love you as long as I live, even though it was never enough.

"Stan, have you been crying?" "Really?!  It is 'Ryan?'!" "Steve, if you like 8 foot raging morning wood in your back, say nothing right now." "Why am I the smallest spoon?" "I'm getting tired of Drunk Steve." "At least I didn't stick my ass in Stan's face..." "Steve... Steve... Steve...?" "Dude, her sister is HOT.  No Steve, she is not, and you are very drunk." "Steve, you're still drunk..." "Maybe we should drink whenever they say 'fuck.' No, we would be even more smashed than we already are just 20 minutes into the fucking movie." "I hope I'm not that guy." "She is that guy!" "How was 'Fucking My Fair Lady'?"  "I have to hear one more musical number, I think I'll slit my wrists."

    On a more serious note, I just don't understand some people.  And this time, it is pretty much just one person.  Isn't it obvious when I offered to kick his ass it's because he treats you like shit and you deserve much better?  I know how hard it is, like you told me.  I care about you babe, more than you think.  And I hate to see you like this.

    "I've just met so many assholes; they all suck.  I guess I'm just a pessimist about it all."  She said, so nonchalantly, as if it was assumed to be small talk.  "I don't know.  I believe to some degree it's true: people do suck.  There's no way around it.  But, on the other hand, there are those few and far between that can (perhaps only partially) make up for the shittiness in life."  That's all he could say.  No more, no less...
    There's always some proverbial side to things and call me crazy, but I do believe in an idealistic love.  It doesn't matter how far fetched it seems: at some point, we are all loved.  Maybe not by those who they think love them, but they are all the same.
    Everything's complicated by the fact that people are so oblivious to the blatent obviousness of everything that they completely ignore what does exist and in so doing discourage the other quiet, forgotten half.  Everyone's so caught up in the people that, with time, will fade into insignificance and forget about the ones that truly matter.  You all know what I'm talking about: the jocks, the cocks, the D-bags, and the complete and utter narcisistic personalities are preferred over the sometimes sketchy, quiet, and insightful ones that are always there no matter what.  Through thick and thin, the love and the pain, it never fades.
    And to everyone (more than just the one person that thinks this is solely aimed at her) I just wanted to say that despite everything I've ever been through: whether I pissed you off, or you to me; whether you wanted to believe, didn't believe, or never took me seriously; whether I was willing to apologize or wanted you to do it first...I always meant it whenever I uttered those three words.
    Her only reply? "Maybe...just maybe, you're right.  In that case, I'm a realist."

    There is this one song by the Smashing Pumpkins that is hands down my all time favorite song.  I've referenced it before but I want to talk a little more about it.  It's a song called Rocket and it can save me from almost anything.  I have come home from literally some of the worst days of my life, listened to this song, and immediately be happy and optimistic again.  The song has a deeper meaning among the sick distortion and the wicked power chords, however, and that's what I like most about it.
    It's meaning is epitomized in the original music video.  A child playing in a junk yard gets an "interplanetary transmission" in his hand-made playhouse.  What he receives are a few music and video clips of the band playing the song in space suits.  After seeing these messages, he talks to his friends and decides to build a rocket to visit the band, unbeknownst to his aloof parents.  The children then build a rocket that blasts off (to the surprise of their parents) into space.  They arrive on the planet that the band is on at the very end of the song to find that the band has aged into their late 60s/early 70s.
    This is how I interpret that storyline:  Among the mundaneness of life, these children find ways to have fun and live within their thriving imaginations, despite the normal life that their parents live.  This can, in itself, be epitomized by the repitition of the song's famous line "I shall be free!"  The arrival of the children at the end to find the band in their later years also serves as a double interpretation in my mind.  Ignoring the shear logistics of space travel, the philosophical meaning shines through.  By finding the band at that age reminds the children that by growing up, they don't have to leave their childhood behind.  It instead encourages them to bring that imagination with them as they mature and to live their wildest dreams.
    I think that is what really helps me along.  I don't want to settle for what is supposed to happen as you age.  I want to live in this dream world forever and ignore the restraints that society imposes on you.
 

"There's this line from the song 'Rocket', 'Bleed in your own light'. I wanna fuckin' bleed in my own light, not in Kurt Cobain's, not in Perry Farrell's. I wanna go down in my own fuckin' ship. That's what I'm about." - Billy Corgan

    Over the summer, when I was entirely stressed out over the shittiness of my life at that point, I would go to play pool at the bowling alley whenever I was feeling particularly angsty.
    Flash forward a few months and things aren't too bad.  The pink ribbon scars of summer had healed over and I was getting happy again.  Despite the endless school work and the family problems, I found a way to keep myself occupied and not to worry about things that were bugging me.  And then it happened.  It felt like I had finally caught a break after the bullshit over the past few months.  If you are close to me, you know what I'm talking about.
    But it was just that one thing that made me feel like I was on top of the world.  Absolutely nothing could stop me because I thought I finally had what I had been looking for for the past year.  I was undeniably happier.  Steve was even upset at the fact I wasn't threatening to slit his throat every five seconds. 
    Everything seemed perfect until it ended a little more than a week after it started.  It's depressing to see everything come crashing down within hours of when you thought it was ok and still not know what caused it.  But I've learned my lesson from the previous incident, and for that reason, I won't go looking for an answer.
    Tonight I went to go play pool.  I played well.  It just goes to show you that old habits die hard.  And even though I'm still left without a reason, I wanted to thank you for the first week in hundreds that I'd finally felt alive.

Edit: Got a reason...don't know whether to feel pissed or guilty.  Seriously, wtf?